Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
