Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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