I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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