Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't turn off my feet"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
