so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize