they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
