He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
