Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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