Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
