just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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