i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
