He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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