I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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