turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
