So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The air was thick with penises
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
