So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
