I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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