my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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