after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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