Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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