I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
