I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize