Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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