I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
