Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
