Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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