i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize