I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
