What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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