I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
