I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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