She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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