i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
