On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I love you.
Bad choice
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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