I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
