If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
