Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
