no, he came in my armpit
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize