I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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