There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
