Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
