where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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