it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
