its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
