you would pick up someone in the library
what day is it and did you see me today?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
