i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
