Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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