just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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