Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
