Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
please come you make the beer taste better
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
