You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
