Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
