non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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