Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
