I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
