he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
