from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
