I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize