forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
