lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
