Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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