I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
