god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
