i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I need to align my fucking chakras
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
