Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
