her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
